This morning I got dressed in my boyish outfit and wondered about why I would call it that. I listened to a Black Witch Chronicles episode on queerness and spirituality. So that is to say I woke up with a transcendental sexuality on my mind. In a part of the broadcast the witches answered a question as to how to break open the cocoon that we sensitives often find ourselves in for protection from the world and repeated unfavorable experiences in it. One said, stillness is an essential start to recognizing the inner workings of you. I took this message into my day and spent it focused on what I wanted to be productive in. Music, stories, education all passed through my entertainment cipher. I napped and awoke to the same focus. Then by dark, something magical happened. Someone brought me a guitar.
Elated, I started writing a new song right away. Ate dinner and then the visitor returned to stay a while. We drank beers, I played songs, a few I learned on the spot using chord tabs (from which I noticed considerable growth in my abilities). We all talked. And then another magical thing happened-
The visitor took a moment to ask me personally about my love life and specifically if I liked men or women, and then what kind of women do I like. She then disclosed that the ring on her married finger is to a woman who looks like herself. And so we confirmed our suspicions in each other. And I confirmed that Gayness, without any obvious effort, is a soul-level quality which can be seen through the eyes, the world over and across language differences.
I use the term gay here as interchangeable with queerness, because I recognize even very close non-sexually-penetrating relationships and deep connections between gay people of the apparent opposite gender as gay too. I have come to think of these attractions as gay because they transcend our understanding of what relationships are supposed to be. Hopefully, most of us have had a friend who we feel so inexplicable connected to that no label could describe it. This is a gayness- a queering - a transcendence through space, time, and binary fashion. It’s something very special that we learn to cherish and enjoy finding like gems.
My dreams have been direct for the last two days. I've dreamt of people I've expected to talk to and in the dreams, I've done the things I want to do with them- talk, hang out, plan for events. During nap today, I dreamt I was at a camp for peculiar people, witches and such. I had erected my own penile energy; not a dildo, an energy- invisible yet absolutely felt. I could describe the energy as a clear cylindrical soft shaft with swirling iridescent puffs of energy moving through it. And I was ravenous. Some people were not open to feeling energy like this, and so they could not see it. I found two women though, easily enough. I had sex with each of them in public (peculiar people, remember). The sex was cleaner than swapping fluids. It was also more intense because I would have to maintain connection at all times, and so would she. I then became exhausted by the active extending myself. I crawled to an past trans-masculine lover-friend who was laying on the beach with some books, and prepared to take a nap. After that, I had another dream that I was driving passed a sassily driving trans woman who was also a prostitute- one I had seen before- in a very short black dress. Then I saw her get pulled over by a cop. I saw a white man step out of the cop car and watched a black man get out of the passengers' seat of her car zipping and pulling up his pants. I thought, "Oh no." For them to be pulled over was the worst. She probably was not driving with a valid license and they would both be tormented by a police force that is as much hetero-normative law enforcement as it is white supremacist.
This vivid dream sequence is the result I suppose of being still in one place where I enjoy my natural environment. I have opened brain space to write songs, to dream. If there's something I wanted from this trip, it is this. This and clarity, which I feel is more about releasing fear of something in the truth. I'm learning to be okay with many sides of the truth and for myself, be grateful that I know a truth and not to try changing it. I'm a bit of a scientist with my incessant questioning of myself and the people around me. With my repeated rituals of trying the same thing, same idea, until I know for sure that the result is more or less the same every time.
This is how I test the people in my life and how I find what relationship I can have with them, because I cannot spend too much energy on something that does not work for me. I don't mind helping people or going through challenging places, but if the repeating result is that my attention to comfort is taken advantage of, then I must delay my comfort and cease to offer attention to the vampiric vessel, even if it means completely cutting off from a person I had once desired with utmost affection and understanding. I just have to let it go. As hard as it is to leave an experiment that I thought promised exceptional development, there is only one way to move on and that is to move. On. Here's to releasing the queer relationship that I thought defined me throughout my early twenties. Here's to breaking through to another barrier, and then breaking through that one and releasing my insides to the sky. Here's to harnessing my energy to gather the messy parts that I left spilt and let drift far from home.
I am not the same.