• Marie Tattiana Aqeel

Scared to.

I haven't been this far out and alone at the same time ever. Feels like a risk and an adventure and then lonely and after that, playful. I've talked to people, felt closer to people, eaten meals with them, drank with them, laughed. But I will never see them again. I've had enough practice in starting new and letting go, the cycle between both. I know that people will leave, I will leave. And yet I still get a sad feeling like hollowness when they go, especially all at one time. Then here I am leaving as well.


Taking a trip to a vaguely familiar place just to feel its energy and hope to ease some of this discomfort by changing things up. I will have days of stillness. Maybe all of them will be. I am seriously considering fasting on coconut water only while I'm there for 4 days. I need some clearing of the mind and body. I will just love to walk, to see water, rock, gemstones, red earth. I hope to meet someones I can talk to. There aren't many people here who are traveling alone. Funny I chose to be here while I'm learning how to love my own company. And everyone is coupled or with family or friends. Folks don't travel alone. Probably not much of a natural thing. Wanderers travel alone. Sheep hearders. But people who want to be part of society, who contribute to a community, don't travel alone.


I sometimes have a feeling like I can't be my full self, because I don't know how to be here. I don't know the language, the culture, I feel that I have no voice in the events of each day. I'm here to learn, to go along with my family, getting to know them, how they function. On a basic level, we are a lot alike. I mean we have a similar way of holding our bodies. But then there's all the fundamental idealism that comes with adult-ification. There's a notion of fun, of relaxing, of family time, entertainment. And this is not necessarily cultural. For instance, it is in my culture in the United States that people watch television, go out to clubs and drink, talk shit about other people, shop, hate themselves, etc. The same functions are in effect here, only the rhythm of the music and the language is different. I am not amused by clubs, television, or video games whether in the states or in Brasil. Just not my thing. I'd rather be in a field growing somethings. Then I'd feel my time here to be useful. Is this a conviction or am I being closed?


I'm keeping these words in mind: "Don't worry about not having the language; my thoughts have wings." It's true. It has come to pass again and again. Someone brings me a guitar, fresh fruit and gluten free options, I understand enough to get directions, to get food, to ask questions. I may speak with the vocabulary of a 4-year-old but I definitely blend in with the adult world. I belong nowhere. There is no crowd for me to fit into. I have discovered a comfort in that. Let me be comfortable in my own skin. Content again. Working, growing, evolving and content with myself.



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