I started this blog because I'm at the beginning of an intense trial in life. More than a challenge, it is all of my challenges brought to the surface at once and a long test of my willingness to see through to a greater (than me) goal.
It is initiation into independence. Finding my voice, my strength and my hands. I have come through a great deal of change within the last 7 years, but especially in the last two. I've pulled myself apart from the gum that anchored my body to the respectability machine. My primary job is to follow my own. I am finally single, which is to be married to myself and (for once) not open to polyamory. I am reclaiming all of that love-giving, space-making, sexy magic energy that I spread across my relationships and channeling it into my vision. Nobody deserves the attention more than I do and without it I am lost. I have not recognized myself for over a year and still only see myself in glimpses, but I am patient. I expect that the next two years will be more real to me than ever.
I grew up wanting to be a famous singer. I love singing and I'm good at it. But the commodification, the packaging of it hasn't worked for me. As a child I would play (as I was taught to) dress up and sing for applause. That pretend glamour and grace is just a shadow of an art- not the living entity that it actually is. My music, art, movement, herbalism, natural living, and land work all have sacred powers to heal, to nourish, and to change. I think that any rituals toward mastery come with a soul-bearing price and the responsibility to match. Can't skip steps.
I want freedom in a holistic sense. I'm not trying to be famous anymore. That's going out the window with my desperation to be liked and the soul-separating work of trying to be popular.
I am not responsible for what attraction others have or do not have to me or what I offer. I can only be where I am, with what I've come through and where I'm going, which will change. I am working on not being afraid of my changes or anyone else's, even if it sets me apart for a while.
God keep me in the abundance of a creative imagination.
Asé.
