• Marie Tattiana Aqeel

Who Were You?


You have to know. We've been down this road before. Remember who you were before you knew what to call it. THAT is your truth. The rest of it is just training and we can all be retrained. All this time I've been lookin' for myself in other people. Other people are cool. They're fun. Important to be around. But I am not to be defined by my involvement with someone else.


Aware that the moon is full. Having such a long and far break from the usual schedule is forcing deep reflection. I like deep reflection though, so we be kickin' it together when she comes. Felt like a drug addict again. Not sure if it's because of not having green leafy vegetables in over a week or if it's the moon or the solitude. Taking some time to bring these learnings back home.


Been hanging out with more family in the last few days. Went to my uncle's house in the mountains and hung out with my cousins Mylena and her little brother Allan. I really love being in the mountains. Feels like home. Mylena took us to the top of a mountain at dusk to look out over the surrounding cities' lights. It was very windy and felt refreshing. We were so high up and they're such sweet people.


My little crush was here. Speaking no English and me with little portuguese, it's not that we talk much. More just that she's cute, and fun, and gay too. These things are all helpful. Learning this year to be in love with my friends. Let crushes fester, yes! Let them exist and then just kick it with the crush. Enjoy each other. Her smell is attractive. Pretty much the first line right there. I know I'm fine. I just know it. Felt it since a boi was a lil thing. I could dress like a girl! Look like one too. And completely blend either way. Shit is sexy. Puberty changed things of course. I was sexed then. Hormones and training set in for my friends and I lost them in the confusion and refusal of courtship.


Something in blackness and queerness makes a simultaneous presentation. With immediacy the two intertwine. As soon as I'm in a blacker area so too am I in a gayer area. It shows up here in men dressed as women or women in men's bodies or men who are women and also men (I can't know without asking). This reiterates a point that Dr. Alexis Pauline Gumbs talks about that blackness is queerness is spirituality. There is much left to explore on this topic.

There's also a relaxation come over me. It makes sitting all day with folks and taking naps okay in life. Makes the slower, one-thing-at-a-time practice that much easier. This is coming back home with me.


The willingness to speak and be understood. If it can be done in a different language so too can it be done in my native tongue. Find the words. Take time. Speak up. And speak less. ;) shoutout to BG.





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