Presently,
I am well- more well than unwell. I have a source of water, food, transport, and tools at my fingertips that I enjoy using to process and create a Life that I love living, beyond the primordial Love. I am safely housed, I have strong connections to people and Earth around me, and I am in deep conversation with Spirit. I love this place a bit. Squeezed into praying, visioning with utmost authenticity- not just desperation- and rooting into myself even deeper to find solutions to the pressure that I feel in growing.
I have to go slowly. Even slower than I have been. I’ve changed my life once, but I was desperate and already sick when I left my life in the city. Now I hear, feel, speak, know that another huge shift is taking place.
I want to belong in a system for My life. I want to be in a place that supports my health+wellness and healing practice with greater ease. I want to be warm, living in mountains near water, receiving the sun on many more days than not, eating fruit fresh from trees, eating consciously, walking lightly on the Earth helping to heal Her lands and reduce my consumption, creating art, tandem living in a family system with similar values. It’s not too much to ask. It’s actually quite a simple life. Ancient. It’s just very different than where I’ve come from, but I’ve dreamt of living this Life for many, many years.
I’ve changed my habits. I no longer choose addictions to sugar or pity or grief in response to my sadness. I have ceased tearing myself down further in hard times. I can breathe through it. I can feed myself loving things in support while I wait and breathe. This is a huge accomplishment to myself, my own justice and measure of success/health. I’ve learned a lot about myself through the transformation of my own voice. The stronger I am vocally spreads into my character and the confidence that I have to handle what comes.
Many times, I’ve been unsure if my body would bounce back after being exhausted by singing, working, living. Each time I got a little itch in my throat, I feared it would grow into a full blown cold and knock my voice out. Times I haven’t had a voice, even just for me to use personally, have been sad times. It’s like being disconnected from the way I pray.
The quiet has taught me though. She taught me to listen to my insides and to trust in the natural evolution of things- nothing stays the same. My body taught me that she’s stronger than my fears. She always wants to heal, which is a grace that I am still unfolding into, because if I really understood how magnificent this design is, I would never cease being in gratitude. This Spirit has to live in me. I have to know it with experience and lessons to guide my understanding of it. I can still be patient. I am still a student. I am in service of Song, and I’m getting outta the way!
As I live into the Life that makes me feel warm and happy, supple and open, Divinely connected and in service, I have to periodically check that I am recognizing all of my dreams that have come true, all of the ways I’ve grown into the person I was trying to be, and all of the gifts that have been revealed to me in the process of learning through darkness, pressure, and discontentment. Tales of triumph are my favorite. Here I am living in my own.
This month, I turned 35. I may not look it, but believe I feel it. I done learned things about myself that could only take the decade it took to learn them. Came across a meme of text: “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” ― Zora Neale Hurston.
I’m proud of every one of them years.
Love,
Myself
